Sitting with Dad

I have been sitting with my father for 4 months now. I watch the hands move on the clock, I watch numbers change on the calendar letting me know another day has passed. I change the pages on the calendar. It is all very surreal. Like a Dali painting. I know 4 months is a lot. Especially for my family who has not had me there for them like they are used to having me there. But I don't feel the passage of time. I don't feel 4 months. I don't feel anything except sadness. Deep deep aching sadness. Consuming sadness. I can't breathe sadness.

I missed Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, my daughter's birthday, my wedding anniversary, long weekends, first concert, baseball practices, soccer games, and a day I was supposed to help out in the classroom that my son was looking forward to. Those hurt. I'll never get those back. But I will also never get this time with Dad back either. The choices are hard.

I travel back through time. I remember all the visits he made to me once I moved away. I remember each move I made and that he was always a part of them all. All 14 of them! I remember when he sat with me through a broken leg, respiratory illnesses, and then later Lymes disease. He held my hand and told me to fight. Now I hold his hand and tell him to fight if he wants to or rest if he wants to.

I have done all the things people tell me I need to do. I have given him permission both to fight and not to fight. I have told him I will be alright. I have told him it will be ok. I have told him I will take care of the things he worries about. My biggest fear is that I will have to make "The Decision". You know the one I am talking about. We have had several (3 to be specific) "setbacks". He comes back but never to the level he was before the setback. Each setback is a little more serious. This last one I thought I would have to make "The Decision", but I didn't. I know its coming.