Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Best So Far
We have moved around a lot. We have been in Iowa since April. It seems like it has all come together her so far. I love my home. It is the best house we have ever had, and we have had a few. It is the right combination of extras but basic. It feels right, it feels like me. So tonight we are snowed in and I am enjoying the winter wonderland from this wonderful home I have. I am very very lucky.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
An Amazing Community of People
I am new to Des Moines, Iowa. I have only lived here since April. But I am periodically stunned by the giving nature of the people here and how they value community.
Sadly the mother of a boy in 3rd grade died unexpectedly this week. My son is in 3rd grade and while the boy is not in his classroom he is in his class. We have talked about the boys' loss and how sad it is and how we need to value every moment. But then the community became involved. To date, this is what they people have done for this family.
Sadly the mother of a boy in 3rd grade died unexpectedly this week. My son is in 3rd grade and while the boy is not in his classroom he is in his class. We have talked about the boys' loss and how sad it is and how we need to value every moment. But then the community became involved. To date, this is what they people have done for this family.
- Gift cards to restaurants, gasoline stations, and airlines to assist in helping with family members who want to visit
- Cleaning company once per week until January
Meals made and delivered every day until January - Someone will care for their pets during the day until school is out in June
- Rotation schedule to take care of the kids in their home after school until school is out in June
And these people have only lived here 3 years!
I am very proud to be a part of this community
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Rumblings and Stirrings
I believe I am on the brink of learning new insights. I have feared writing about them would limit the insight from coming to me. I know that I will have my AHA moment and then will need to share. But I also feel a need to put out there that this is what is going on with me.
I watch my father navigate his acceptance that my mother, his wife, is now in a nursing home and that she will never be the person she was. There are many ways in which this might be considered good. She was a harsh woman her whole life. Her dementia only aggravates this personality characteristic. My father has always been faithful to his vows to her, tho she was not to him.
I watch my father keep his commitment to care for her in sickness and in health and in the beginning of this journey I thought it was firm commitment to always standing by his word that kept him with her. Lord knows I tried to get him to divorce her since I was 14 and he would not. I watched his lonliness and sadness my whole life as these two people who were not meant to stay together did so.
Now as she travels through time in her head I watch him travel with her. There were good times, even though I never saw them. And they are reliving them together. And I am a voyeur. I have seen them kiss for the first time ever. I have heard them say I love you for the first time ever. And I have heard my father whisper to her "come back to me" with a pain you can only know if you have lost someone you love dearly.
He stayed with her because he loves her. I have never known that. I have no idea where this will take me but I know when my AHA comes I will be better for having experienced it.
I watch my father navigate his acceptance that my mother, his wife, is now in a nursing home and that she will never be the person she was. There are many ways in which this might be considered good. She was a harsh woman her whole life. Her dementia only aggravates this personality characteristic. My father has always been faithful to his vows to her, tho she was not to him.
I watch my father keep his commitment to care for her in sickness and in health and in the beginning of this journey I thought it was firm commitment to always standing by his word that kept him with her. Lord knows I tried to get him to divorce her since I was 14 and he would not. I watched his lonliness and sadness my whole life as these two people who were not meant to stay together did so.
Now as she travels through time in her head I watch him travel with her. There were good times, even though I never saw them. And they are reliving them together. And I am a voyeur. I have seen them kiss for the first time ever. I have heard them say I love you for the first time ever. And I have heard my father whisper to her "come back to me" with a pain you can only know if you have lost someone you love dearly.
He stayed with her because he loves her. I have never known that. I have no idea where this will take me but I know when my AHA comes I will be better for having experienced it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Is acceptance the same as forgiveness?
I am a member of the sandwich generation. I am simultaneously taking care of my children and my parents. It’s hard. To be a member of this club you have to surrender your life long role of being a child. No more regressions to age 12 when you visit family. No more tattling on siblings.
The difficulty increases when you have struggled in your relationship with one of your parents, like I have. I have mother issues. To some extent, we all do so I won’t bore you with the details. If you are reading this and you know me, you have heard it all before.
Two weeks ago I received a document from the nursing home my mother was transferring to at the end of her time in a transitional care unit. It was titled “Life History”. I was to answer the questions asked about my mother’s life history so that the folks working on her unit could come to understand her better. I was stunned that they would think that I could provide them anything worthwhile. I have never understood my mother. How could I possibly have anything that could help them? Trying to be a good daughter and knowing it would gnaw at me until I did it, I opened the document assuming I could wrap this up in 30 minutes.
But Noooooo
It took a week.
Who knew?
Who knew the havoc such simple questions would create?
Who knew the peace such simple questions would bring?
Not me, that’s for sure.
The questions were simple enough that I could not impose my own perspective, emotions, and pain on them. I found myself attacking this task with the energy of writing the biography of someone for an English term paper. I really wanted to get an A.
Place of birth
Date of birth
Siblings (with names and ages)
High School attended
Clubs
Awards
Goals
As I answered these questions I had to retrieve memories of what my mother and grandmother told me about their lives. To be honest, I said I didn’t know a lot of the information, and I truly didn’t. Siblings; my mother is 85 and was the youngest. She is the only living member of her family. Her father died when she was 8. Her favorite brother when she was 12. She experienced loss of her immediate family early in life and it followed her through life. I started to wonder how this affects a person. How does it feel to watch all your family members die? How does it feel to happen periodically througout your life rather than lumped all together in your adulthood? How does it feel to be the only one left behind? Do you feel abandoned?
College
Major
Interests
Profession
Goals
My mother did not go to college so I was able to legitimately pass on this section. But there’s that word again, goals. My mother wanted to go to college but was not able to afford it. Did that create a longing? A desire?
First date
Wedding
Children
My mother lost her second child, a daughter. She died 2 days after she was born. Now the family she created had loss. What does it do to someone to see that type of pattern repeat itself? Does it create fear? Do you distance yourself so that you can shield yourself from pain?
Jobs
Family vacations
Family rituals
Illnesses
Traumatic events
I was able to give more information here. I wrote long paragraphs as if I needed to prove I knew something about this woman that has been at the core of my life for 51 years. I was grateful that “goals” was not in this section. It should have been. I was still struggling with the fact that I did not know what my mother’s goals in life might have been. When I talked about my own goals growing up I was told having goals was a luxury. I felt unheard, ignored, and belittled.
I get it now Mom. I really do.
I can write several pages of how I moved past my feelings of the past and came to realize that she is a person who had experiences, most of which were not good, and they shaped her into the person she is now. I never saw that before. I think you can only see it when you can no longer regress back to being the child. The child inside keeps us from seeing our parents as people. I can now accept all that my mother is and was. I can now accept my mother for who she is without comparing her to what I wanted her to be for me, the child.
But I have one last question. So many people tell me that we need to forgive. I have had a list of things I knew I needed to forgive my mother for. But now, now that the child is gone and there is acceptance, I have no idea what I should forgive her for?
So, my question is this: Is acceptance the same as forgiveness?
The difficulty increases when you have struggled in your relationship with one of your parents, like I have. I have mother issues. To some extent, we all do so I won’t bore you with the details. If you are reading this and you know me, you have heard it all before.
Two weeks ago I received a document from the nursing home my mother was transferring to at the end of her time in a transitional care unit. It was titled “Life History”. I was to answer the questions asked about my mother’s life history so that the folks working on her unit could come to understand her better. I was stunned that they would think that I could provide them anything worthwhile. I have never understood my mother. How could I possibly have anything that could help them? Trying to be a good daughter and knowing it would gnaw at me until I did it, I opened the document assuming I could wrap this up in 30 minutes.
But Noooooo
It took a week.
Who knew?
Who knew the havoc such simple questions would create?
Who knew the peace such simple questions would bring?
Not me, that’s for sure.
The questions were simple enough that I could not impose my own perspective, emotions, and pain on them. I found myself attacking this task with the energy of writing the biography of someone for an English term paper. I really wanted to get an A.
Place of birth
Date of birth
Siblings (with names and ages)
High School attended
Clubs
Awards
Goals
As I answered these questions I had to retrieve memories of what my mother and grandmother told me about their lives. To be honest, I said I didn’t know a lot of the information, and I truly didn’t. Siblings; my mother is 85 and was the youngest. She is the only living member of her family. Her father died when she was 8. Her favorite brother when she was 12. She experienced loss of her immediate family early in life and it followed her through life. I started to wonder how this affects a person. How does it feel to watch all your family members die? How does it feel to happen periodically througout your life rather than lumped all together in your adulthood? How does it feel to be the only one left behind? Do you feel abandoned?
College
Major
Interests
Profession
Goals
My mother did not go to college so I was able to legitimately pass on this section. But there’s that word again, goals. My mother wanted to go to college but was not able to afford it. Did that create a longing? A desire?
First date
Wedding
Children
My mother lost her second child, a daughter. She died 2 days after she was born. Now the family she created had loss. What does it do to someone to see that type of pattern repeat itself? Does it create fear? Do you distance yourself so that you can shield yourself from pain?
Jobs
Family vacations
Family rituals
Illnesses
Traumatic events
I was able to give more information here. I wrote long paragraphs as if I needed to prove I knew something about this woman that has been at the core of my life for 51 years. I was grateful that “goals” was not in this section. It should have been. I was still struggling with the fact that I did not know what my mother’s goals in life might have been. When I talked about my own goals growing up I was told having goals was a luxury. I felt unheard, ignored, and belittled.
I get it now Mom. I really do.
I can write several pages of how I moved past my feelings of the past and came to realize that she is a person who had experiences, most of which were not good, and they shaped her into the person she is now. I never saw that before. I think you can only see it when you can no longer regress back to being the child. The child inside keeps us from seeing our parents as people. I can now accept all that my mother is and was. I can now accept my mother for who she is without comparing her to what I wanted her to be for me, the child.
But I have one last question. So many people tell me that we need to forgive. I have had a list of things I knew I needed to forgive my mother for. But now, now that the child is gone and there is acceptance, I have no idea what I should forgive her for?
So, my question is this: Is acceptance the same as forgiveness?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Pee in it NOT on it
Ok women, you all know what this means. I have to say that I do not understand why men miss all the time. Nor can I understand why they do not clean up after themselves when they do miss. I once had a rule that I would not clean up after the males in my house until the day I started missing. Not a good rule. They apparently don't care that there is dried pee everywhere. The bathroom was so gross I couldn't go in it. Any suggestions?
Thank you for your patience with me. I had to vent this one somewhere.
Thank you for your patience with me. I had to vent this one somewhere.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Humanity at the State Fair
We went to the Iowa State Fair this weekend. Its another world and I could not wait to go. My husband was the Honorary Chef at the IA Pork Association tent! I studied the program for the day and found three things I just had to see: chicken washing and blow drying demonstration, barbed wire sculpting, and chainsaw art. Tell me, who can miss these wonders?
But once we got there I was more intrigued by the people I saw at the fair. I grew up in a dairy community so most of my friends were 4H'ers and would show at the New York State Fair. Through high school I would go to the fair because I was in the marching band. As I wandered the animal barns at the IA State Fair I was transported back to those days. I loved seeing the teenage kids next to their prized pig or cow, their cots set up next to them so they could take care of them through the night. The dedication was inspiring to me when I was a teenager and I felt that respect for them again. I suddenly wanted my son to raise a cow so he too would learn the lessons that could only be learned by this experience.
I was at the barns too long and missed the barbed wire sculpting and chain saw art. But I did see the chicken washing and blow drying! A new thing for me! They chickens loved it! They remained quiet and clam and only started to fuss when it was over. Who knew? Maybe this is why chickens cross the road?
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Barney to Britney
When my daughter was little she loved the typical things for her age group. She is now 19 so Barney was a favorite. I didn't mind Barney. I didn't have the strong negative reaction to him that so many adults did. Besides, how could I dislike anything that gave her joy and me a few minutes of peace? As she grew up she also grew out of Barney and developed different music choices. One day I was looking through her CD's and found a Barney music CD next to a Britney Spears music CD! And at that moment I wondered how did we go from Barney to Britney?
Well, in this week's mail I had my own Barney to Britney moment. I love People magazine. I have had subscriptions in the past and would have one now except it just ran out and I know my son (who is 8) will have to sell magazine subscriptions this fall so I am waiting to sign up then. But in the last few months I have not enjoyed the magazine as much. I only know who half the celebrities they report on are, I don't watch most of the shows these people are on, and I think the "who wore it better" section is just plain mean (I mean really, this week they even did it comparing children! How awful!). So, I am drifting away from People magazine much like my daughter drifted away from Barney.
Then this week a magazine came in the mail. It had my favorite musician on the cover, the articles listed on the cover were very interesting and I knew who most of the people they mentioned were. Imagine my horror when I discovered the magazine was AARP! So I had my own Barney to Britney moment. My guess is Bruce Springsteen never imagined that he would one day go from being on the cover of the Rolling Stone to the cover of AARP just as I never thought I would move from enjoying People magazine to enjoying AARP as much. Time marches forward. I wonder what it will be like for my daughter when Barney and Britney make their own AARP covers?
And as I ponder all of this I start remembering Al Stewart's song Time Passages so I leave you with that.
It was late in December,
the sky turned to snow
All 'round the day was going down slow
Night like a river,
beginning to flow
I felt the beat of my mind go drifting into
time passages
Years go falling in the fading light
time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight.
Well, I'm not the kind
to live in the past
the years run too short, and the days too fast
The things you lean on are the things that don't last
well its just now and then, my line gets cast into these
time passages
There's something back there that you left behind
oh time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight
Hear the echoes and feel yourself starting to turn
Don't know why you should feel
that there's something to learn
it's just a game that you play.
Well, the picture is changing now you're part of the crowd
they're laughing at something and the music's loud
a girl comes toward you, you once used to know
you reach out your hand, but you're all alone in those
time passages
I know you're in there,
you're just out of sight,
oh time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight
Well, in this week's mail I had my own Barney to Britney moment. I love People magazine. I have had subscriptions in the past and would have one now except it just ran out and I know my son (who is 8) will have to sell magazine subscriptions this fall so I am waiting to sign up then. But in the last few months I have not enjoyed the magazine as much. I only know who half the celebrities they report on are, I don't watch most of the shows these people are on, and I think the "who wore it better" section is just plain mean (I mean really, this week they even did it comparing children! How awful!). So, I am drifting away from People magazine much like my daughter drifted away from Barney.
Then this week a magazine came in the mail. It had my favorite musician on the cover, the articles listed on the cover were very interesting and I knew who most of the people they mentioned were. Imagine my horror when I discovered the magazine was AARP! So I had my own Barney to Britney moment. My guess is Bruce Springsteen never imagined that he would one day go from being on the cover of the Rolling Stone to the cover of AARP just as I never thought I would move from enjoying People magazine to enjoying AARP as much. Time marches forward. I wonder what it will be like for my daughter when Barney and Britney make their own AARP covers?
And as I ponder all of this I start remembering Al Stewart's song Time Passages so I leave you with that.
It was late in December,
the sky turned to snow
All 'round the day was going down slow
Night like a river,
beginning to flow
I felt the beat of my mind go drifting into
time passages
Years go falling in the fading light
time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight.
Well, I'm not the kind
to live in the past
the years run too short, and the days too fast
The things you lean on are the things that don't last
well its just now and then, my line gets cast into these
time passages
There's something back there that you left behind
oh time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight
Hear the echoes and feel yourself starting to turn
Don't know why you should feel
that there's something to learn
it's just a game that you play.
Well, the picture is changing now you're part of the crowd
they're laughing at something and the music's loud
a girl comes toward you, you once used to know
you reach out your hand, but you're all alone in those
time passages
I know you're in there,
you're just out of sight,
oh time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Getting Started
I am taking the time to start this blog today. I have followed the blogs of friends and seen how wonderful it is to be able to express yourself in a community of people who "get it". It is a little scary but here goes.
As I was setting up my profile I went hunting for a picture of me. It was then I realized, I have no decent pictures of just me. As I went through the digital archive there are pictures of me with people that are good. But the ones of me alone are not good. Not being judgmental here, they are not focused, or I am in the middle of eating, or half asleep on the couch. I could go into all kinds of deep meanings behind this (cuz I already have you know). But there is no deep meaning. I better get some decent pics of myself cuz I sure don't want my kids to look back at a half asleep, mother who hoovers food and is out of focus!
Then I found this picture from 12 years ago. An old one that was scanned. It is, and always has been, my most favorite picture. My best friend in the whole wide world (BFWWW) took it. SHE took a decent picture of me. She captured everything, my daughter's essence, how I want to always be support for her, the joy in my heart I feel when I am with the ones I love.
I guess there is deep meaning. I'll save that for another day.
As I was setting up my profile I went hunting for a picture of me. It was then I realized, I have no decent pictures of just me. As I went through the digital archive there are pictures of me with people that are good. But the ones of me alone are not good. Not being judgmental here, they are not focused, or I am in the middle of eating, or half asleep on the couch. I could go into all kinds of deep meanings behind this (cuz I already have you know). But there is no deep meaning. I better get some decent pics of myself cuz I sure don't want my kids to look back at a half asleep, mother who hoovers food and is out of focus!
Then I found this picture from 12 years ago. An old one that was scanned. It is, and always has been, my most favorite picture. My best friend in the whole wide world (BFWWW) took it. SHE took a decent picture of me. She captured everything, my daughter's essence, how I want to always be support for her, the joy in my heart I feel when I am with the ones I love.
I guess there is deep meaning. I'll save that for another day.
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